haaaay wazzzzuuuup

We're in the building where they make us grow
And I'm frightened by the liquid engineers
Like you

My Mallory heart is sure to fail
I could crawl around the floor just like I'm real
Like you

The sound of metal I want to be you
I could learn to be a man
Like you

Plug me in and turn me on
Oh everything is moving

I need my treatment it's tomorrow they send me
Singing "I am an American"
Do you?

Picture this if they could make the change
I'd love to pull the wires from the wall
Did you?

And who are you and how can I try?
Here inside I like metal
On you

All I know is no one dies
I'm still confusing love with need
----- gary numan -----

wow, who would have thought... i would go so far... and actually create a drunk blog category. wow... sad? ironic? weird? strange? unusual? fascinating?

gary f*cking numan... i luv u man!!! omg that's so f*cking ghey!!! geez! oy vey! f*ck!

imagine growing up in a small town just outside of a relevant, significant town. imagine knowing that out of all the kids your age growing up, exactly you and only u were "into" all of this kind of Sh*t!

tonight, i was talking with someone and ghey tommy came out. it's almost like the antithesis of what i am, but somehow a part of me, and something that can't be denied. it's the part of me that bitched out the f*cking apartment manager and got myself a new(er) air conditioner instead of getting a swap out that was full of mold and mildew and somebody else's f*cking pet's hair! f*ck!

wow.... sad? wow... cheap *ss vodka with some cheap *ss lemon lime kool aid dammit! wow. sad.

then i'm listening to freaking numan all sad that i sold a box of all kinds of records for $60 because i was moving to vegas and had to fit everything in a 1991 olds 88 with the back seat taken out and thrown into the dumpster of the apartment complex, or "flat" as you would before filling it with boxes that had not been mailed to a trusted friend ahead of time. about to drive 2000 miles and notice that the worst f*cking roads the entire way were right at home. omg sad. wow.

omg then start listening to flock of seagulls "i ran" sh*t, f*ck, sh*t! oh yeah, saw them at a place in new orleans called "jimmy's 3-d" and can't believe I survived walking from and back to the car because of where i was parked on "willow st." omg f*ck! i had the "cassette cover" signed by mike score, but sold that with the big f*cking box of records for $60. to some guy from new orleans.... who would probably lose all of them in the f*cking flood after hurricane f*cking katrina!!! f*ck! sh*t! f*ck! holy f*cking f*ckety, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

a good friend was mighty pissed off that i sold that large stack of records and (slightly) malfunctioning turntable, but i explained that they were all "cursed"! in fact, because they were items that i had to resort to sneaking out of a house of an ex who had it out for me, i started to gather an opinion that all of the stuff i worried so much over was cursed. in fact, when i would later destroy 2 copies of 21 cd's that held all of the photos i took while captivated in that situation, i would find out that my ex would simply cease to exist by some weird, strange, highly unusual coincidence... strange... f*ck. what the f*CK.

i would be leaving that apartment, and all of the stuff i couldn't carry in that car, and going to a strange new place that was weird and wonderful and strange and scary all at the same time. vegas.... wtf! f*ck! that was some scary sh*t! f*ck! i actually was accused of stealing my own car because a cop misread my license plate and i had to produce registration before he would realize his mistake. f*ck! what the f*ck! i started to grow my hair long, but cut it all off with an electric razor because i realized the need to be above obvious visual suspicion for being a no good f*cking hippy!

f*ck! i couldn't have long hair! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

calm down! i'm not in vegas anymore! vegas was scary. once a month at the hotel i was staying at, that no longer exists, there would be some kind of raid where a loud explosion would be followed by a lot of screaming. i had never been so close to a "raid" before. f*ck! what the f*ck! this didn't just happen once, but often enough where i could guess where it was happening by the sound of the concussion grenades going off and the corners the sound had to travel around to get to my place. i had been scolded before when peeking out the door and seeing a guy in full camouflage yelling at me to "get inside!!!". That was f*cked up! That hotel really got leveled later for a parking lot because it was directly across the street from the convention center. the street behind this place was so vile that a six foot wall was standing between my parking lot and the random vagrants walking up and down that street, robbing the convenience store directly behind my apartment about once a month as well. people would use a shopping cart to "jump the wall" and occasionally the helicopters would be out with the spotlight on the parking lot.

I knew that vegas was bad when i saw the parking lot where i was living on a real episode of "cops"! f*ck! what the f*ck! i would have seriously regretted moving to vegas, but... f*ck. I should say, "softer, more reverent f*ck". I was sitting around watching the path of this huge monster called "katrina" on the tv. the sad *ss cable was really satellite, and probably hacked at that because of the s*ck *ss selection of channels. i was lucky to have showtime, but i was denied some of the most basic of channels, like cartoon network and food network. f*ck! sad! i actually stayed in that place a whole f*cking year! f*ck! they were paying out a class action suit for throwing people's sh*t out and locking them out of rooms while they continued to throw people's sh*t out and lock them out of rooms! f*ck! it was called the "blue harbor club" and it had a rep so bad that when i told locals where i lived they were like "ooohhhh". f*ck! I f*cked up! sh*t!

As i watched this mega-f*cking katrina monster coming towards beloved new orleans, i thought this was really f*cking it. i was all the way in f*cking vegas and now there is a massive devastating hurricane barreling down on my beloved new orleans. f*ck! sh*t! what the f*ck!

Then as i watched, i realized what was happening, i have been there before, and i have actually been there since with "gustav" that went right over my f*cking head when it visited! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! I knew it was a "bad one" but i knew that it has happened over and over and it would not be a big deal. After it passed (katrina), it was "the sh*t" but it was not seriously bad, bad, bad. Then it happened. f*cking infrastructure failure. sh*t!

Just as the local paper was printing the headline "missed the bullet", new orleans was filling up "like a bowl". just as the gov of la at the time was saying "new orleans isn't filling up like a bowl", and her emergency services director were saying on tv "new orleans isn't filling up like a bowl", I was watching on split screen as msnbc or cnn was showing new orleans filling up like a f*cking bowl! f*ck! dammit! I also saw coverage of a few of new orlean's finest doing some shopping (or looting?) at the local wal-mart.

i might seem a bit upset about the katrina thing for not being around at the time, but i watched in horror as the people who lived in the apartments i was just living in 10 months previous were gathered up at the interstate hoping for something, anything, someone to rescue them. i wondered what it was like to be out there, clutching onto the last few remaining personal belongings that weren't submerged as several feet of water from the "houma canal" rushed into the apartments on the first floor. f*ck! that would have been f*cked up! i was damned f*cking lucky! f*ck! those poor f*cking mother f*ckers! f*ck!

omg wiki! geez, they have the flood back in 1995 when i had to drain all the damned fluids out of 2 cars that were up to their f*cking windshield in canal water back then! f*ck! what a little sh*t hole town now! man... a friend of mine said that the area that used to be called "fat city", no sh*t, is now more like "little Tijuana" because of all the new residents after the storm. the food is probably betteR! roflmao :)

i exist in a negatively balanced reality. i can attempt to bring as much positivity as humanly possible into this reality, but i must accept that it is leaning so hard into the negative that it's gonna take a whole lot of positive to make a f*cking difference at this point. I don't want to be negative in my writing (as i wuss out and edit this sober), but sometimes I feel compelled to vent my frustration and encourage everyone I can reach to try a little harder. Bring a little positivity to the world and you will see it returned. I use the word "f*ck" quite a bit in this post to attempt satire and parody of a "proper" resident of our "civilized" society who is frustrated by what he sees going on and hopes and prays things get better.

so worried about "fat". so worried about balding. so worried about not getting a hard on. this society may occasionally appear to be "obscene" in the things that it finds unimportant enough to disregard, and the plethora of wrongs waiting to be fixed but not profitable enough to actually fix. how many homeless or hungry people would get kicked out of the way to save a hungry dog? how bad would the economy have to get before people are hearing stories about some "cute & fuzzies" that are on the menu now?

OMG, I see a photo on wiki and realize that I would have been standing there all f*cking pissed off waiting for god knows what or who to do god knows what with me and all those other f*cking people! f*ck! no wonder i have freaking ptsd! i watched in horror for 4 days glued to the tv as i saw how easily the news crews got to the "convention center" while people could simply not be moved for that long period of time. they could not be moved. I take a deep breath and hope that in the future that would never happen again. Even though I wasn't there, I spent those days racked with digestive issues and a sick stomach, unable to do regular daily activities without thinking of all those people, and how I could have been one of them.

just to know the truth, i am a "transplant" myself. i cannot return to metairie and have given up on metairie because of rent gouging. i had trouble trying to go back when i left vegas and ran back to be closer to family, but i was slowly pushed west from the first attempt to live somewhere close to the city i had called home for almost a decade. the first place i rented was 20 minutes outside of new orleans, but after the first year, the landlord tried to increase the rent by $200 "just because".

I moved west to a more rural area into a freaking trailer. i know there are some nice ones, this one was not one of them. when looking at a trailer, get a peek at the electrical junction box to find the date of manufacture! the trailer i was in was made in the 70's. f*ck! i was woke up early in the morning by the sound of those country rats chewing and screaming through the walls. that was $500 a month! i got the f*ck out of there! then i end up way way way the hell west. i was just over an hour away from where i wanted to be at that point. i get hit by another hurricane, but i hold out and stick with the rent barely over 400. but. it's not a "complex"! since that latest "baby hurricane", there is a familiar attitude with the landlords in the area starting again.

ok, alrighty! it's late, really late, i was already drinking for a while, and i do not drink enough to write like that very often! i thought it was "cute" at the time when i wrote it, but already the thrill and buzz is wearing off, and i'm wondering if i should hit "publish" at all.

but... ya know... that katrina sh*t really pissed me the f*ck off. i never really got it "out of my system". maybe i should go take a thousand photos of the wreckage that still exists over there. just show how sad it is. is it poetry or is it insanity? take a thousand photos. take photos of roadside memorials. take photos of "fat chicks". take pics of the strange objects that appear for whatever reason in my parking lot. try to find "the pattern" and win the lottery. try to read as much as i can about history and predict the future. try to watch the news and still hold out hope for humanity. try to see the cycle of messed up stuff happening over and over and over again and try to continue to contribute some degree of positive to the equation. try to figure out where my coordinates should be and get to them. try not to pay attention to mortality and all of it's beautiful, sad, scary hints. try not to mourn the loss of my mother (too hard) who was killed by the chemo that was supposed to save her. try to watch as everyday, ignorant people are conned out of their hard earned money to buy something they think they want but will regret. try to forgive when i hear the news talk about the ones who cover things up and think they have a license to kill because of a hurricane. try to love humanity, try to forgive, try to contribute positive to counter-act the negative balance that remains in affect.


good night
will write sober soon!
hic!
lol